And to think I might actually get some sleep.

Ugh. And to think I'd actually get some sleep tonight.

Well, the bug with the progress bar has come back, as mysteriously as it had vanished not two nights before. I've devised a clever/stupid workaround - instead of relying on Sinatra serving up the JSON file directly from the database, I have the app write to an output file, and Sinatra serves that up as JSON. This should, at the very least, work for the time being. But it is eating into the time I reserve for going comatose for a few hours, hallucinating vividly, and suffering amnesia about the whole experience.

Tomorrow I start the MakerPrep course at MakerSquare, which is why I need the sleep. It may be true that I might be a little advanced for MakerPrep, coding Javascript, Ruby, using PostgreSQL... but there are a number of reasons why I signed up. First, when I signed up, I wasn't as far into this app as I had planned and was still considering GoFundMe as a backup. But mostly, it's because I may have a deep case of Imposter Syndrome.

In the field, Impostor Syndrome can end up driving people nuts - thinking that they're frauds and phonies because their peers are more advanced (or percieved to be more advanced) than they are. And the truth is, as programmers, we get into situations that are just a little more than we can handle. Then we handle them. That's how we learn. But sometimes it makes us feel like we're really dumb, and this is common among programmers.

But more than that, it's one of the reasons that I never got into development until now. While I knew HTML and CSS, I had taken a few classes in my undergrad days in the late 1990s. I don't know if I didn't understand it or I had lousy teachers, but... well, the truth is, I did poorly and I thought that I would never be a "real programmer." To the point that I was telling my friends who were telling me to become a "real programmer" that I was "a dabbler" and that I was "a glorified cartoonist." Indeed, I kept telling others that I wasn't a programmer. I didn't believe I could do it.

It took a leap of faith and a few good friends to get me to this point, where I'm willing to call myself a programmer. Junior programmer, certainly. Apprentice-level, of course. But I now believe I have the talent. Which is, you know, kind of awesome.

My therapist should get some of the credit here.


Brian Boyko

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Austin, Texas
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