The tool that seems to be best for this job is Heroku, which is, so far as I can tell, platform-as-a-service. You can also use Jekyll with it, so I won't have to start from scratch. That's good.
The problem is, I'm not quite sure how to use Heroku. Which means googling, IRCing, plraying, and a whole lot of trial and error.
In the meantime, I'm going to be attending a prep course from MakerSquare. It's $750, should help me get up to speed a little, and I can apply that to my tuition. Yes, I know I don't have a working crowdfunding page up yet, but this might be something I can pull off on my own or with the help of close friends and family.
And I didn't even think about this, but I'm going to need a way to direct people to a Thank You page as well as set up some sort of automated e-mailer that allows me to send thank yous to people's emails. This isn't only polite but it's also kind of expected to make sure the payment went through.
Finally, I'm going to have to change my code up to be responsive. It's kinda cool that you can set your font to be a certain percentage of the view window, but I need to find a way to have it fall back so that it's no smaller than 12px. That's a problem for another day however.
Update: 8:21 pm:
Well, Heroku isn't working for me on Windows, so this might be one of those things I need to run on a Vagrant box or a virtualmachine. Obviously life would be easier for me if I had a Mac, but previously I needed Windows for the power it contained for video editing. A Mac virtual machine would make me a happy camper, but that's a grey area of legality, and I would never do anything that even hints at breaking Apple's oppressive copyright law. (Also, it didn't work.)